I used to think that couple's counseling was the best way to help struggling marriages. What I realized is that-- it isn't true!
Growing up, I believed what I just learned from the culture about what to do when you're having trouble in your relationship. Go to marriage counseling! But boy was I wrong...
When couples seek out marriage counseling, the premise going into those sessions is always something like this:
"I'm upset with you. You are not acting right. You are not meeting my needs. There is something wrong with you. You need to fix your anger problem, you need to stop shutting me out. You need to change and improve."
Nine times out of ten, it's you (the woman), sharing that message with your man.
By the time you've reached this point of seeking out couple's counseling. you have already tried communicating this to him in a kind way at home, but he doesn't really seem to get it and things haven't improved.
In fact, the more you tried to express this to him, the worse he reacts!
You saw him with your own eyes get defensive, upset, or maybe even he becomes coldly quiet, and doesn't speak to you for hours, or if things get really heated, sometimes even for days.
His distressing reaction leads you to believe that the situation is even worse than you thought!
Hence why you are seeking out couple's counseling. Because you are a caring person and you care about your relationship!
(By the way, I really admire that!) :)
You care about what kind of life your kids will have if this issue doesn't get resolved.
But here's the reality...
(and it's something John Paul II also discovered when women came to him with their marriage problems--I go into this and how to fix it in WAY more in detail in my program).
***Telling your husband why he needs to change and improve is the OPPOSITE of how he will actually change and improve.***
Read it again!
***Telling your husband why he needs to change and improve is the OPPOSITE of how he will actually change and improve.***
99% of women don't understand this at all about the way a man's heart is, and it leads to SO much hurt, and pain in the relationship.
It also makes it difficult for you to see how easily and quickly this situation can be turned around.
Unfortunately, going to couple's counseling, where you're just going to do more of this kind of communication, but try to soften it with "active listening" and "I statements" exacerbates and perpetuates the damaging cycle.
Your husband will feel humiliated, upset, and likely shut down even more.
This emotionally exhausting experience will lead you to believe that your man is too damaged and flawed to have a healthy relationship, and there's nothing you can do because he refuses to change.
Let me tell you something.
*YOU DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT KIND OF DRAMA in your relationship.
You literally do. not. have. time. for. that.
That's not who you are, or what you want to bring into your life.
So whenever you're ready to ditch the failed approaches and actually learn:
- how to eliminate the drama and get more of what you want- learn how your man (as a man!) actually feels loved, and- increase tenderness & emotional intimacy,
APPLY NOW
Because you got married to live happily ever after--even after seeing the real him with all his weaknesses and flaws--and still knowing exactly how to attract all the love and intimacy you want in your relationship.