The #1 Thing Most Women Don't Realize about their Husband.
A few weeks ago I saw an anonymous post from a wife on Facebook. She said,
“Ladies, I am at a total loss. My husband just doesn’t care about anything I want. He doesn't contribute enough, he never understands me, and we are constantly fighting. He is just so mean. Marriage sucks.”
I felt for her.
It’s truly awful to live in such emotional distress!
But I had just gotten off a coaching call with a client who, two weeks ago, was going to file for divorce.
She happily told me that very day that she and her husband stopped fighting. Everything was much calmer. He was listening to her point of view on their decisions, and going out of his way to make her happy.
So I knew it was possible. ;)
(I’m not a magician, but once you understand the principles of complementarity in the love of man and woman, you do have an unfair advantage.)
So I reached out to the sweet woman in the anonymous post and asked her more specifically what the problem was.
“I just tell him really clearly that he’s leaving everything for me to do, and then when I point that out, he gets angry and avoids me. I’m his wife! He should be stepping up with the kids and wanting to spend time with me.”
Agreed! He should be stepping up!
But I could already see why her approach was turning him off.
Do you see the problem?
Everyone says "communication is key," but rarely does anyone define what that means.
In the name of “honest communication” she was telling her husband all the ways that he was already failing her, and expecting that this would somehow motivate him to do better.
But you know what?
That’s pretty much the worst way to get your husband to respond to you in a tender loving way.
Want to know why?
Write this down. Make it your mental mantra...
(Drumroll...)
Your husband wants to succeed with you.
That's right! He does.
Now maybe you’re thinking, “yea, right. If he really wanted to succeed with me, he would finally start listening to what I’ve been trying to tell him for years. He’s just an angry and stubborn man. That’s just how he is.”
But it isn’t true.
If he’s your husband, he definitely wants to succeed with you.
If you're not seeing his sweeter side lately, no worries. It's not going to stay that way.
Phew! (Here's where you take a deep breath, let it out slowly and feel a little relief.)
Now go ahead and grab your favorite chocolate or wine (or both!) and get super comfy on your couch.
Because I'm going to tell you what's really going on and why you don't have to feel so stuck and hopeless.
(Pause to seriously go get some food or beverage you love...because, why not!?!?)
Ok, so now that you're comfy on your couch, let's get one thing perfectly clear. Because if you don't get this, then nothing else about your relationship will make sense.
Ready? Here it is...
You are the amazingly beautiful woman who captivated your man's heart.
You are!
Your husband just LOVES your loveliness! It makes him go wild. Secretly he thinks, "if only I could be the hero of her heart."
(Yes, I can read his mind and I can show you how to do that too.)
Because here's the truth.
When your husband succeeds with you, he feels happy too!
Isn't that amazing?!?!
Now, note that the reverse is never true. As a wife, you never sit around saying to yourself, “Well, I’m just happy when he’s happy”.
(Because secretly you’re not!)
In fact, if your husband is sitting around looking at his iPhone and you’re bringing in the groceries with a baby on your hip, you’re probably feeling resentful.
That’s because as a woman, you feel cherished and loved when your husband comes through in meeting your desires.
Because then you feel like he’s listening and he CARES!
Now...listen very closely...
Since you are the beauty who captivates his heart, your husband very naturally WANTS to pursue you, adore you, and love you tenderly, because that's how he gets to be your hero, which is exactly what he wants!
(See how nicely that fits together?)
We call this the mystery of complementarity: Your man is the pursuer and you are the pursued.
(Like sex! More on that later..)
But what if you're not seeing that sweet side of him lately?
I’m going to just shoot you straight. No B.S. No fluff.
99% of the time something dramatically shifted in your relationship.
It probably looks something like this...
Your husband did something that disappointed you, and it really bothered you.
It felt really sucky.
So...being the reasonable person that you are...you kindly pointed out what he did wrong with the hope that he will act differently...and by "differently" you mean way better.
But he didn't!
(What?!?!?)
Instead, he immediately became defensive or angry, and eventually he just started avoiding you.
And that hurt SO much.
It made you feel like you can't really trust him.
That he's not the man you thought he was, and now you doubt very much that he'll come through for you.
You're feeling stressed, overwhelmed, and resentful. The pain prevents you from having the happy family life you've always dreamed of.
So you start racking your brain!
Why does he act that way?
You start thinking about some negative parts of his upbringing that you hadn't considered before.
You're wondering whether he may have an undiagnosed issue or personality disorder.
You start googling...
You start posting anonymously in private FB groups trying to figure out what to do and if anyone else has experienced this.
You ask your husband to go to marriage counseling but he’s reluctant!
So you patiently try again to tell him what he needs to improve so that your marriage will improve, but it doesn’t help.
He acts worse!!!
It’s literally unbelievable.
So you don’t know WHAT to do!
The trouble is that marriage problems are private, so no one really knows what you're suffering. You oscillate between feeling so resentful and just so depressed.
You’re reading books and blogs on how to cope with a stubborn husband.
Things are finally “making sense.”
Except for the most important thing...
Nothing is actually getting better in your relationship.
Meanwhile, something is changing.
It’s pretty dramatic, but you don't notice it.
In fact you don’t even realize that it's happening!
So you don’t see that there’s a very clear and straightforward way out of the pain.
The most important question to ask yourself about your relationship is this...
Who is chasing whom?
Remember the first key principle of complementarity?
(As you enjoy some much needed chocolate. It's medicinal. ;)
Your man is the pursuer and you yearn to be pursued.
That means you just LOVE it when your husband chases after you and makes you feel pursued, adored, and tenderly loved in your marriage.
Except, what's happening in your relationship right now?
Are you chasing after him, telling him all the reasons why he needs to be better so you can finally be happy? (Is that approach working for you? Probably not!)
Or is he chasing after you and delighting you in the way you yearn to be loved? (The secret desire of your heart!)
Ask yourself. Who is chasing whom?
The AMAZING POWER OF COMPLEMENTARITY IN MARRIAGE
All happy marriages are built on the natural complementarity between Man and Woman.
Let's unpack a bit what this means.
As women we yearn to be chased after and cherished. We yearn to BE ADORED and loved.
In a complementary way, men LOVE to chase after us and know that they have been successful in making us feel loved. That's how all marriages thrive!
By the way...that's why at Adored for Life we never refer to you as a generic "partner" or "mate." We know your feminine heart matters!
Now, it's vital to grasp the 3 Step relationship pattern for HOW every woman feels cherished and adored.
It mimics the pattern for how you and your husband fell in love. We call this the "Rhythm of Romantic Love."
1. You inspire him2. He pursues you3. You receive him
Maybe in your sweet dating days, he noticed how lovely you are, so he asked you out for coffee, hoping you'd say "yes."
Do you see what happened there? (Your femininity inspired him, he pursued you, you received him).
Then he was just enthralled by you and wanted to woo you even more, so he sent you flowers.
(Again, you inspired, he pursued, you received).
Eventually the relationship was SO good he couldn't wait to spend the rest of his life with you so he asked you to marry him. (Notice, you didn't ask him!)
Again, you inspired him, he pursued you, you received him.
Now that you see this relationship pattern for how you fell in love, you'll notice that in every happy and thriving marriage, this 3-Step pattern, where you feel pursued and adored, continues again and again in your own home!
Not just once, but again and again....Adored for LIFE!
But, BUT, but....
For most couples, there are WAY more stressors in actual married life than there are in your dating days: financial stress, parenting stress, fertility stress, running-a- household stress...
The list goes on.
It's easy to get upset and overwhelmed when you feel like your husband isn't doing what he needs to be doing in any of these areas. It can lead to arguments and fights.
That's why, once you're actually married, there are 3 things you need to be able to do if you want to continue to be pursued and cherished, again and again in your home.
Step 1. Eliminate Drama & Get More of What You WantStep 2. Learn How Your Man Feels LovedStep 3. Increase Tenderness & Emotional Intimacy
Here's a real life example of what it can look like...
Imagine sleeping in and waking up lazily to the smell of fresh coffee your husband made sure was set the night before....just because he knew you would love it.
As you roll over to nurse your newest baby, you realize that the resentment you had towards your husband has vanished. Instead, you feel EXCITED to be in the same room together, and you start the morning snuggling up with him in bed. [Step 1. Eliminate the Drama & Get More of What You Want]
As he heads off for work, he kisses you tenderly, and says he'll give you a call later to see how you're doing.
He knows just how hard it is to take care of your kids during the day, (especially the toddlers!) and he wants you to know how much he appreciates you. [Because...Step 2. You Learned How Your Man Feels Loved, so he keeps going out of his way to make sure you feel his love too.]
As you sit in the infamous carpool line to pick up your older kids from school, he texts you a hilarious meme and then calls you just to see how your day is going.
Since you were feeling tired today (and your kids were driving you bonkers!), he offered to pick up dinner so you can relax and get some much needed "me" time.
(*Note...no arguments over spending money or "who does more.")
After dinner, you take a relaxing bubble bath...
(with a glass of wine, of course!)
You feel calm and relaxed because you received so much love and support from your husband.
As you retire to the couch, he puts his arm around you and you share with each other what was on your heart today. [Step 3: Increase tenderness & emotional intimacy]
You just feel so connected to him!
It's Ah--MAAAZING!!!!
In fact, you're in such a good mood, you might even be interested in you know what...
and no I don't mean Netflix! ;)
Do you see how it all works?
What this means is that instead of chasing after your husband and feeling constantly stressed out, overwhelmed, and unsupported in your marriage, all of a sudden, he's chasing after you, making sure you feel adored and loved.
Which is what you wanted in the first place. :)
Here are all the important details to make it easier.
1. Eliminate Drama & Get More of of What You Want:
This is all about communicating your needs and desires in a way that influences his heart so he’s inspired to respond to you (while also giving up the “communication” that drives him away and leads to his anger and stonewalling). This strategy saves you SO MUCH time and cuts out needless drama so your husband listens carefully to you and uses the best of his mind and heart to come through for you.
2. Learn How your Man Feels Loved:
...aaaand you also love him in the way he most yearns to be loved! This is where you get the exact strategy for coming up with awesome solutions to your conflicts, so you NEVER FIGHT AGAIN (yes, you heard me correctly). The best part? You both fulfill each other’s heart effortlessly.
3. Increase tenderness & emotional intimacy.
Every woman yearns to be tenderly loved. Every woman yearns for emotional intimacy. (That’s already half the reason you said “I do.”)
Now take a minute and let these quotes sink in...
"Tenderness is the ability to feel with and for the whole person...this is the kind of tenderness a woman expects from a man, and she has a special right to it in marriage." ~ John Paul II
And also this one....
"The man must reckon with the fact that the woman is in a sense in another world unlike himself...since he has to play the active role in the marital relationship, he must get to know that other world, and indeed as far as possible project himself into it emotionally."
Pope John Paul II
Don’t you just yearn to be loved like that?
In Step 3 of the process, we show you what exactly moves your husband to caress you with tenderness so you feel like you’re falling in love with him all over again.
We’ll also show you how to cultivate emotional safety, so he feels free to share his heart with you. (YES!)
Now...will it take more than one week to experience all this?
Probably yes.
But will you have an unfair advantage over every marriage program in the world because you understand the principles of male-female complementarity? Will you be the HAPPY, FUN, irresistible woman who inspires her husband’s attractive and tender love?
YES!
You will see the bigger picture and understand exactly why a few counseling sessions or unstructured “skills” don't make you Adored for Life!
Only a deeper dive into the mystery of complementarity-your feminine heart's deep yearning to be pursued, adored, and tenderly loved in your marriage—will get you there.