Irene Alexander, PhD, CLC, ICF Certified Coach

Irene Alexander, PhD, CLC, ICF Certified Coach

Are His Childhood Wounds Affecting Your Relationship?


When you see your man get angry or shut you out emotionally after you just made a helpful suggestion, it feels really upsetting. 
I mean...why does he act like that? Doesn't he know that it makes you feel incredibly hurt and lonely?
Your head starts spinning in all directions trying to make sense of his strange reaction.
And since you're a compassionate person, you want to give him the benefit of the doubt.
Maybe it's not really his fault. 
Maybe it's his upbringing! 
After all, you know how much family of origin influences us, and you know that his childhood maybe wasn't the best. 
But what upsets you most of all is how his family baggage is affecting your relationship right now!
 In the present!
So next thing you know, you're telling him that you guys need to go to couple's counseling to fix his issues so that at last he can be a better husband and father. 
Seems like a reasonable solution, right? 
After all, if you don't ever get to the source of the problem, how will it ever be fixed?
 And if it's never fixed, how will you ever have the happy and emotionally intimate relationship that you, as a woman, crave in your heart?
Why Focusing on His Childhood Wounds is Damaging Your Relationship
I know this sounds crazy, but hear me out.
The more you focus on why your husband is "damaged," has "issues from his childhood" the more you are sending the message to him that in your eyes, he's not a capable nor admirable man. 
He's more like a wounded puppy.
But if he would only fix...X, Y, or Z, he could be (at some point in the future, hopefully), a good man. 
Sounds like you're telling him that in your eyes, he's not really someone whom you can respect.
It doesn't sound like that's what you're saying, but that's what he hears. 
And this will not land well upon his heart. Why?
Because RESPECT is how a man feels loved, so if you don't respect him, it's basically like saying you don't love him.
(This is why he gets angry or stonewalls)
I know it sounds crazy! Believe me! I get it. 
This is SO confusing for women because from our perspective, it feels like we're actually showing just how much we CARE about him and the relationship, and we're just having "honest communication" and "addressing the issues." 
But this is not how you'll get the intimate relationship that you desire. Not only that, but you'll be spending so much time, money, and most of all emotional energy on all the WRONG things, so you won't have the tender relationship you really want in the first place.
Don't believe me? Talk to any woman who divorced her husband. She'll tell you all about his flaws and his childhood wounds, and why their relationship couldn't work because he refused to work on himself, despite couple's counseling. 
This really breaks my heart because it doesn't have to be that way. I know this upsets some people who have already chosen otherwise, but the truth is, 99% of the time, relationships are entirely fixable, so long as you know and do the RIGHT things. 
But what if he really does have issues?
Now, let me be clear. I'm not denying that people have issues. In a certain sense we all do (ha!). So what can you do when you see issues from his past that you feel are affecting your relationship?
This is exactly what we teach in the Adored for Life Signature program. 
What if you knew exactly how to preserve the EMOTIONAL SAFETY of the relationship so that all of a sudden, your husband vulnerably shared with you about his own failures and flaws, and he knew he could trust you to listen and hold that space for him with love.
What if--because you're now a pro at emotional safety--you see your husband, on his own (gasp!) begin to take steps towards his own personal growth (without you having to keep reminding him). 
It would be amazing, right? 
This is not a fluke. It's the fruit of understanding sexual difference, and why you and your hubby are not generic "partners" or "mates."
If you want to see dramatic transformation in your relationship, so all those "issues" that caused so much tension are gone, then fill out an application here.
My soul's mission is to make every woman be pursued, adored, and tenderly loved in her marriage. Isn't it time to say "yes" to that?

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