A few weeks ago I saw an anonymous post from a wife on Facebook. She said,
“Ladies, I am at a total loss. My husband just doesn’t care about anything I want. He doesn't contribute enough, he never understands me, and we are constantly fighting. He is just so mean. Marriage sucks.”
I felt for her.
It’s truly awful to live in such emotional distress!
But I had just gotten off a coaching call with a client who, two weeks ago, was going to file for divorce.
She happily told me that very day that she and her husband stopped fighting. Everything was much calmer. He was listening to her point of view on their decisions, and going out of his way to make her happy.
So I knew it was possible. ;)
(I’m not a magician, but once you understand the principles of complementarity in the love of man and woman, you do have an unfair advantage.)
So I reached out to the sweet woman in the anonymous post and asked her more specifically what the problem was.
“I just tell him really clearly that he’s leaving everything for me to do, and then when I point that out, he gets angry and avoids me. I’m his wife! He should be stepping up with the kids and wanting to spend time with me.”
Agreed! He should be stepping up!
But I could already see why her approach was turning him off.
DO YOU SEE THE PROBLEM?
Everyone says "communication is key," but rarely does anyone define what that means.
In the name of “honest communication” she was telling her husband all the ways that he was already failing her, and expecting that this would somehow motivate him to do better.
But you know what?
That’s pretty much the worst way to get your husband to respond to you in a tender loving way.
Want to know why?
Write this down. Make it your mental mantra...
Your husband wants to succeed with you.
That's right! He does.
Now maybe you’re thinking, “yea, right. If he really wanted to succeed with me, he would finally start listening to what I’ve been trying to tell him for years. He’s just an angry and stubborn man. That’s just how he is.”
But it isn’t true.
If he’s your husband, he definitely wants to succeed with you.
If you're not seeing his sweeter side lately, no worries. It's not going to stay that way.
Phew! (Here's where you take a deep breath, let it out slowly and feel a little relief.)
Now go ahead and grab your favorite chocolate or wine (or both!) and get super comfy on your couch.
Because I'm going to tell you what's really going on and why you don't have to feel so stuck and hopeless.