IRENE ALEXANDER, Ph.D., C.L.C. ICF Certified Professional Coach

IRENE ALEXANDER, Ph.D., C.L.C. ICF Certified Professional Coach

Your Husband Wants to Succeed With You (Part II)

I hope you've got your wine or chocolate of choice because...

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Yup. ;) That pretty much sums it up.
Ok, so now that you're comfy on your couch, let's get one thing perfectly clear. Because if you don't get this, then nothing else about your relationship will make sense.
Ready? Here it is...
You are the amazingly beautiful woman who captivated your man's heart.
You are!
Your husband just LOVES your loveliness! It makes him go wild. Secretly he thinks, "if only I could be the hero of her heart."
(Yes, I can read his mind and I can show you how to do that too.)
Because here's the truth.
When your husband succeeds with you, he feels happy too!
Isn't that amazing?!?!
Now, note that the reverse is never true. As a wife, you never sit around saying to yourself, “Well, I’m just happy when he’s happy”.
(Because secretly you’re not!)
In fact, if your husband is sitting around looking at his iPhone and you’re bringing in the groceries with a baby on your hip, you’re probably feeling resentful.
That’s because as a woman, you feel cherished and loved when your husband comes through in meeting your desires.
Because then you feel like he’s listening and he CARES!
Now...listen very closely...
Since you are the beauty who captivates his heart, your husband very naturally WANTS to pursue you, adore you, and love you tenderly, because that's how he gets to be your hero, which is exactly what he wants!
(See how nicely that fits together?)
We call this the mystery of complementarity: Your man is the pursuer and you are the pursued.
(Like sex! More on that later..)
But what if you're not seeing that sweet side of him lately?
I’m going to just shoot you straight. No B.S. No fluff.
99% of the time something dramatically shifted in your relationship.
It probably looks something like this...
Your husband did something that disappointed you, and it really bothered you.
It felt really sucky.
So...being the reasonable person that you are...you kindly pointed out what he did wrong with the hope that he will act differently...and by "differently" you mean way better.
But he didn't!
(What?!?!?)
Instead, he immediately became defensive or angry, and eventually he just started avoiding you.
And that hurt SO much.
It made you feel like you can't really trust him.
That he's not the man you thought he was, and now you doubt very much that he'll come through for you.
You're feeling stressed, overwhelmed, and resentful. The pain prevents you from having the happy family life you've always dreamed of.
So you start racking your brain!
Why does he act that way?
You start thinking about some negative parts of his upbringing that you hadn't considered before.
You're wondering whether he may have an undiagnosed issue or personality disorder.
You start googling...
You start posting anonymously in private FB groups trying to figure out what to do and if anyone else has experienced this.
You ask your husband to go to marriage counseling but he’s reluctant!
So you patiently try again to tell him what he needs to improve so that your marriage will improve, but it doesn’t help.
He acts worse!!!
It’s literally unbelievable.
So you don’t know WHAT to do!
The trouble is that marriage problems are private, so no one really knows what you're suffering. You oscillate between feeling so resentful and just so depressed.
You’re reading books and blogs on how to cope with a stubborn husband.
Things are finally “making sense.”
Except for the most important thing...
Nothing is actually getting better in your relationship.
Meanwhile, something is changing.
It’s pretty dramatic, but you don't notice it.
In fact you don’t even realize that it's happening!
So you don’t see that there’s a very clear and straightforward way out of the pain.